On the threshold of an arranged marriage, one young Indian woman wonders if she is doing the right thing.
I
don’t know what I intend to do by sharing this portion of my life with
the whole web of strangers. Maybe, I hope someone will empathize and
show me the way. Maybe someone will just give silent solace. My thoughts
need an outlet of fresh air. Going round and round inside my head has
made them stale and weary.
I
knew marrying someone I don’t love would be difficult which is why I
avoided giving in to my parents’ expectations for a long time. I wanted
to marry someone I was friends with or had some feelings for. One day, I
gave in. I agreed to marry a guy I met through a matrimonial site. A
part of me was hopeful; a part lost, not fully understanding what was
happening. I skirted around the reality not acknowledging it till it
stood in front of me and punched me in my face. Here I am. Face me, it
said.
I
floated along the unruly waves unable to control them. I fought a
losing battle trying to manage factors outside my control. Foolish girl,
trying to fight fate.
"I conditioned myself to be happy. I pretended to be happy. Love will develop, I told myself. Your stars are good."
Well wishers taught me to be happy. I conditioned myself to be happy. I pretended
to be happy. Love will develop, I told myself. Your stars are good.
Good boy, good family, wonderful city, I thought every day. Change is
good. Welcome the good changes, I preached. Of course! Love and
attraction aren’t everything, I concluded. Understanding and patience go
a long way. Life is good. Life is going to be better.
Then,
I would push away those feelings of dread. I would catch my heart from
sinking at the thought of marriage that is just a blink away. I would
also look happy when people expressed their happiness towards the happy
event. I would look at the stranger as a life partner. I would try to
keep ‘I’ aside and think of ‘We’.
Then,
one day, that steel armour would melt. It takes only a moment to
breakdown. It takes something as little as a movie or a song to let
loose that clogged up river of tears and fears. And I realize how much I
miss love. How much I miss being in love. How important love is.
It is easy to fool the world but fooling oneself is next to impossible.
An arranged marriage: Is it right for me?
How
ever much I cry in the dark I remind myself that there is no turning
back. I secretly search for at least one strong reason to escape. Make
others change their decision. But it doesn’t happen. Marrying strangers
is no new thing in our country. Lakhs of people have gone through it and
are ‘happily settled’. If they can do it, I should too.
Years
ago, I had dreams about my wedding – the guy, the feeling, the
ceremonies, the clothes. I thought how happy I would be sharing the good
news with the whole world. How I would show off my husband-to-be to
everyone. What is happening now is not what I had dreamt – that I would
be running away from the drastic change, looking at it like a trauma and
my would-be as an outside threat to my life, identity and
individuality.
"Marrying
strangers is no new thing in our country. Lakhs of people have gone
through it and are ‘happily settled’. If they can do it, I should too."
Elders
have told me stories of how they married a stranger and adjusted to
that concept, that person. I try to put myself there and the only
thought is no, I can’t do it. That’s just not me.
But here I am. About to marry a stranger.
There
is an environment of celebration all around. Relatives and friends call
me to ask how the preparations are going, how much I interact with
in-laws, what the plans with the guy are. These phone calls create panic
within me. And dread. I am marrying a stranger. I am marrying a guy who
doesn’t know the real me. I am marrying. Everyone is happy except me.
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